For the intimidating girl - rise up or perish
When you're too much for him, it's not your job to shrink to meet him - ever
Oh, lonely girl. How miserable and unlovable you must feel without a man at your side. You should know, of course, there’s nothing wrong with you - not really. But, maybe, perhaps, just for the fact you’re a tad bit intimidating. And yeah, that must be it - that’s the reason love has yet to find you.
Let me better say it, so that it may echo loudly on those lonely nights, lonely girl. Love has yet to find you because you’re - quite simply - too much. Men can’t keep up. To be put plainly, there’s something wrong with you but let’s make sure this comes off as a compliment too - you’re just so big, no one compares - and so, you’ll be alone forever.
That is what the woman labeled intimidating hears - whether or not she believes it, and let’s face it, even the strongest of us can fall prey to it - when told there must be a reason that she’s single.
So much so that even an accomplished woman who is single by choice starts to question if she is truly destined to live life alone because - these poor men - none will truly compare.
This is where my thoughts are today after catching up with a friend I haven’t spoken to in years.
“Darling, no wonder you’re still single - you’re scaring all the men off, poor things!”
How easy it is to believe you are too much and that somehow, your power makes you unworthy of love.
I have a few thoughts on this - mainly, that I both agree and disagree - but first, I ask, what if the issue was never you, but rather the limits of the men you encounter? Or perhaps, the standard of men you are settling for out of fear no better exists.
The illusion of shrinking for love
The idea of a woman being intimidating is just an ice cream flavor of too-muchness.
Another popular one is that it’s - quite simply - not attractive.
In certain industries, communities, and varied sections of the internet, it’s not uncommon to come across some piece of content telling women that to attract a deeply masculine man, she must be small and soft. Then, and only then, would a man of high caliber want her.
Anything more is too much. Unattractive, even.
I fell into this trap a few years ago at the very beginning of my exploration into the feminine, before I learned of a woman’s true powerful nature. Every sign of my power, I labeled masculine, and it wasn’t uncommon, on lonely nights, to wonder if I was simply not feminine enough for a man to really want me. (Much to be discussed on this matter, because, I’m happy to report, I was very, very wrong about this)
But in summary - be it from instagram quotes, bitter family members, or society as a whole - a woman runs the risk of either being just too much that it’s scary to men, or just too much that it’s unattractive to them.
Never is it about men rising or the fact that many men exist who are attracted to different things, of course.
Cue the echoes, lonely girl: by choosing yourself and living the best version of your life, you’ve condemned yourself to be alone forever.
But it’s time to change this narrative
Because it’s bullshit. You’re just playing in the wrong field.
The reason I said I both agree and disagree, is simply this: I disagree that being big makes something wrong with a woman, and I agree that not every level of power can be held by every level of capacity.
“Intimidating” is a relative term.
You will always be too much for the man that’s not enough.
Even the softest and the most gentle of women will be too big for a smaller man.
It’s all relative. A man has to have done his own work - the way you’ve done yours - in order to have the capacity to hold you. If he doesn’t, he is not the man for you.
So if a man ghosts you, it’s not because you lack something - it is because your presence reveals his own inadequacies. Or, in a kinder way, the work he still has to do to catch up.
There are great men out there. I’ve met them. Men will always exist who can hold you - because that is the true nature of the masculine.
The right man will not be threatened by your magnitude - he will rise up to meet it.
It’s up to you to hold out, and up to them to show up, rise up, or perish
This is as much about you as it is about them.
Being willing to hold out without lowering your standards to feed a lonely night. Not feeding into the bullshit that no greater man exists and confirming your lack of worth by settling for a lesser one.
This is about you owning the great life you’ve built and getting so excited to be with a man who will be a match to that. Because he exists; great men exist and you are good enough for one.
Screw the projections around you - that you’ll end up alone if you don’t settle. They usually come from those who’ve settled and want to party with you in their misery.
And for those in relationships where you may feel yourself cast a shadow, or your worthiness of love is dependent on how much of a man your man feels like he is on any given day, I would say, to give the both of you an out.
Staying small for him is a betrayal of your own power.
Give the opportunity for a man to rise up, or move out the way. Step up, or step aside. All so that a greater man will have the space to enter.
The love you seek is not found in making yourself easier to hold. Wait - not for a man to see your worth, but for the one who’s capable of holding you.
“If you say I’m too much, baby go find less. If you can’t keep up, stay below - I guess. If I’m such a big deal, maybe you’re too little" - Dove Cameron’s upcoming new song that I just can’t get out of my head.
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